The question of the day that Google won't answer...

Q: What's the perfect amount of Grape soda must one keep on stock in case old people come over?

A: It's a well known fact that old people love grape soda. The question is "How much?" The average old person will not readily admit to loving grape soda. Being not of age, I'm not quite sure why they avoid this obvious truth. In my conversations to get to the bottom of this, I've only run into awkward pauses and what can only be referred to as a general state of confusion. Either way, years of grape soda repression will mean that once they start drinking, they won't stop. You'll want AT LEAST 2 liters per old person. They usual travel as a couple or in flocks. This means you'll want at least 8 two liter bottles at any given time. Anything less would be just rude. Hope that helps.

GUEST BLOG!!!! Lions20r is in the BLOGHOUSE!!!

"What's your balls?"....don't wonder about it, just say it....I do

When a guy tells you "hey loserdork! get outta here!"
"What's your BALLS man?!?!"

When you get a raise but now you make about the same net salary then you did before
"Hey tiered tax bracket system! What is your BALLS right now?!?!"

When the fireman tells you "I'm just gonna let your house burn to the ground today, I'm busy"
"What's YOUR balls ...man?!?!"

When the lady with the hat screams at her kid for no reason!
"HEY!!!...WHAT...is your BALLS lady?!?!"

When a bus is parked and you don't want it there
"What is your BALLS bus?!?!"

When your mom makes you a meal that looks good but there's a rat in it
"MOM!?!? what is your BALLS lady?!?!?"

get it? i want you to understand...

it's how you ask people what their problem is. "what's your problem?" is 1980's. We all love the 80's...but let's be honest...they're so 1994.

feel free to give as many examples as you can think of for situations which deserve a "What's your balls?!"...
Lord knows we could all use them

Find True Love...

There are several websites claiming to help two individuals meet. How many of them GUARANTEE true love? One...this one. This is for men seeking women.

What you should look for...
First, does she smell. This will be your first sign that this isn't your true love.

Does she share food?
Uh oh, true love never super sizes.

Is there ever a time where she says "nanu nanu?"
It's Robin Williams. No one loves Robin Williams.

Do you find other men in her bed?
Probably someone else's true love.

Is there a large amount of stupid coming from her mouth?
This might be your true love, but probably not. Many times true love is smart, unless you're stupid. Consider, but don't propose just yet.

Does she eat your face after sex?
Looks like you're with a praying mantis. Probably not your true love.

When dinner is served, does she make it or pay?
If yes, you are on the path to happiness. At the end of the path there may be true love. Yeah!

Does she find Latin American Superstar Ricky Martin to be attractive?
Heh, another trick. It's a man. Good one.

Are nicknames involved?
Yes, great luck! True love never calls each other by real names. All names should be fake, but not sarcastic. Then you are a henchman named "Tiny".

Do sentences always start and end with "sir"?
True love is not formal. It's pj's all the way.

Is your birthday gift a funbird?
You just got a fake gift. Lies and deception do not equal true love.

Does she say "Two can play at that game"?
Mutuality is good. Love comes in two. Remember, being a couple involves two. TWO!!!!!!

Is her favorite movie "Patch Adams"?
Again, this is Robin Williams.

Congratulations! I have now solved all your romantic needs as that icy void that is your heart has been thawed and filled with a pool of fulfillment and happiness. Oh yeah, don't forget to bring the roses. Everyone loves roses, even true love (no matter how false it is). Hahahahahaha...oh the lives I have created. Good luck!

What I've been doing since I graduated...

I've mostly been ghost writing a book called "I'll Take That To Go". Here is an excerpt:

"It's not that you're "too much for me" as you so aptly like to put it. That's just a euphemism for "obnoxious drunk." No, my problem is the reckless way you flaunt your sexuality and maliciously belittle me in front of my friends. At least my problem puts food on the plate." Sara quickly fired back "Stealing hamburgers isn't a job!" The Hamburglar was stunned. Sarah said what everyone was thinking, but only she had the courage to say it. Even so, she would've given anything to take it back. "I'm going to Grimaces." Hamburglar somberly replied as he left through the front door. She reached down to take a bite of her hamburger. It was gone. A bittersweet smile washes across her face.

Chapter 12 "One Last Big Score"

I graduated with my Masters!

Many of you couldn't come, but it was a glorious. To better recreate the day, please watch the clip below and replace the words "Donna Martin" with "Jason Jacobs".

The Random Alliance Needed So our Favorite Odious Movies will be Remembered

One of the great human escapism is the story. It started as carvings on the wall. As we developed language, so to did our stories. Tales were orally passed from generation to generation. Eventually we learned to write and print. Finally, after several millennia of civilization, humans have reached a new zenith by melding both pictures and words to create the movie. So nothing is more entertaining than watching a story teller with 2500 years of evolution make "Batman and Robin." Many will argue that these movies are "utter trash" and "vacant pop culture garbage that requires no thought once so ever" but we disagree...strongly. These movies have spurred on more hours of conversations by forcing individuals to juxtapose reality to these "bad" movies. As "Where Waldo" taught us, nothing is more intellectual engrossing than the discovery of something that doesn't belong. We here at TRANSFORMER's hope to catalogue these puzzles of ineptitude so others may enjoy. The first movie was the summer montage-athon Sideout. I'll be breaking these movies down in the upcoming weeks....

Put your nose down...

I'll tell you who really is a wet blanket to life's party...Atheist. I know this comes from right field from me. I tend to be liberal on most issues and not particularly religions but, wow, those guys are annoying. They're the ones that whenever religion is brought up they go on a thirty minute diatribe about God knows what. What's their balls? They don't shut up. We get it, there is no God. You went to college. Religion is kind of stupid. Everyone knows that. Why do you feel it's your personal duty to preach the nonsense that is non-religion? They were the kid that was telling everyone there was no Santa Clause. Who cares!?! We're getting presents. You know why Santa Claus exist, because how many fun Hanukkah movies are there? If you want fun, you need a mascot. Whose belief system sole initiative for existence is to tell others their entire belief system is wrong. The big argument is: Religion has killed more people than it has helped. Just look at the Crusades. Wars. 9/11. Let me clear something up. Religion didn't kill anyone, Elitist Douchebags did. This is a far greater concern than any mindset. The belief that you know something other people don't (Elitist) and want everyone to know it (Douchebag). There are very cool people of every religion (including Atheism) that just want to live their lives and then there are Elitist Douchebags that want everyone to lead their lives. I think I understand that last sentence but what I do understand is that if you're an Elitist Douchebag, just shut-up or start a blog. That's what I did.

Jason will teach jokes....party time!

Do you ever go to a party and fear you won't know anyone? Get to know EVERYONE with these eight ice breakers. Each has been approved by me:

1) Joke:
What's up?

Punch Line:
The sky!

Follow up with:
Punch in the balls.

2) Joke:
Look at that S-Car-Go.

Punch Line:
Wait, I think I screwed up the joke.

Followed up with:
Run away screaming "I'm not funny!!!!", then come back and say "Funny looking, that is." Continue until someone laughs.

3) Joke:
I know a knock, knock joke. You start?

Punch Line:
Who's there?

Followed up with:
Hahahaahha...did you know that people that fall for that joke end up dying of Alzheimer's!

4) Joke:
How many Jew's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Punch Line:
One

Follow up with:
I'm sorry, Mr. Goldstein but I was going to make a joke about how you were too cheap to buy a bulb. Lucky for me, I didn't say anything stupid.

5) Joke:
Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?

Punch Line:
Do you want to see some?

Follow up with:
That's a joke from Mr. Baseball staring Tom Sellek. Awesome movie.

6) Joke:
How did the chicken cross the road?

Punchline:
To get to the other side.

Follow up with:
Sorry, I mistook you for someone that didn't have a face that looks like dog and poop.

7) Joke:
Rectum, damn near killed him.

Punchline:
I like Pez.

Follow up with:
Give me some Pez or I'll follow you home and rape your face.

8) Joke:
Have you heard the joke about the party that sucked? Like the one we're in right now!

Punchline:
I literally mean this crap fest!

Follow up with:
I'm not leaving until I get some Pez (For best effect, us the previous joke first).

After this, you will achieve great fame. The party will wither and die without your presence. Congratulations, a winner is you!

Homogeneousity sucks...

I'm wary whenever I'm in a room of 25 or more white people and there isn't a single black person. At the very least, to keep the coolness in check. Black people are America's social police.

Fun Fact: "Classy" is a distant cousin of "Cool."
Fun Fact #2: At least one racist was very confused by this blog.

In honor of the only person reading this blog...

Happy Mother's Day!

Movie of the week 5/3-5/9

Sideout (1990)

Did you ever watch the homo erotic beach volleyball scene in Topgun and think "I could watch that for an hour and a half, but can we add C. Thomas Howell?" Then you're in the right place. This week we start off with a summer movie. No, not the overblown big budget action spectaculars, but what Summer movies meant before CGI. So put your cancer oil on and let's hit the sun with the accumulation of everything that is 80's...



It's 1990 and you need an everyman lead for your beach vollyball vehicle with the hope of cashing in on half naked people having fun. Unfortunately, John Cusack is too expensive so you naturally get his generic equivalent C. Thomas Howell. He plays Monroe Clark, a law student from Milwaukee that decides to intern at his Uncle's firm (Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's) in sunny California. There is some dispute on this and I'll get to that later. He meets Wiley, some guy that rides around in a hearse and shows tourist places where dead celebrities have died. At least that's the best I can surmise from his nonsensical ramblings. Point is, this is all a cheap plot device to a) introduce Wiley b) show he's the comic relief.

Monroe's first job is to evict individuals that are past due on their rent and eventually he runs across the Zack Barnes, a former King of the Beach that doesn't believe in showers and paying his rent. Wiley takes Monroe to see the ocean for the first time. Upon hearing this news, he gets the only thought that any sane human would have "Hey, we should enter the most competitive Beach Vollyball Tournament on the planet!"

During all of this, Monroe falls for a waitress played by Courney Thorne Smith (you know, the girl from Melrose Place. Remember, she was Billy's roommate and that's 25 cents, isn't it?). Anyway, Beach bum Barnes agrees to teach Monroe and Wiley thereby forming the perfect tri-fecta of idiocy. This is all great until Barnes pulls a no-show and they lose a practice match. Soon after, Monroe must go to court (under his Uncle's practice mind you) to evict Barnes. We think he's going to do the right thing and throw this razor-free zone known as Barnes out on the street. You know, since he hasn't paid his rent in months. This is where the movie takes our expectations and laughs with malicious intent. Monroe announces to the court a loop hole (some nonsense about there only being 28 days in February so he didn't have a full business month from the time he received the notice to pay). Scumbag Monroe puts his Uncle's ENTIRE firm in jeopardy for malpractice for reasons I'm still not sure about. I know we're supposed to think the Uncle is the bad guy because he evicts people and is a lawyer, but is it that wrong to ask people to pay rent. This is the underlying genius of the entire movie. We're pretty sure how we're supposed to feel based on what the movie is telling us, but it just doesn't make sense based on what is ACTUALLY happening. It makes us complicit with the villains using the 80's template of niche romantic comedies. This dichotomy creates a moral dilemma that went over most viewers heads when the movie was first released. Even the name, Sideout: when the team that served the ball makes a mistake, causing the ball to go to the other team. This illustrates Monroe's fall from grace of the working world as he becomes one with the beach. If you don't want to enjoy it for the subtle layers of cinematic gold, then watch it as the cinematic equivalent of white noise meets bubblegum.

The standout performance is C. Thomas Howell. Remember I told you about the dispute at the top. That's because I always thought he played for the Milwaukee Bucks. That's stupid, I know, but at the beginning of the movie Wiley Coyote ask him "What do you do in Milwaukee?". Monroe responds with "I play basketball". Wiley Coyote ask "For the Bucks?" and Monroe responds with "Yeah, for the Bucks." For years, I was confused why a NBA basketball player wanted to work at his Uncle's Law Firm for the summer. Then again it was the Milwaukee Bucks. They are the NBA's version of the Mendoza Line and this was an 80's movie, so I accepted it. Re-watching the movie years later my roommate at the time and I had a long conversation about this. Sure this seems obvious when reading the lines on paper it was a joke, but everything about the delivery said he wasn't joking. Plus who responds with "What do you do?" question with "I play basketball." You also must remember, this is Sideout. Don't take anything at face value and the line is said in a "Is it that impossible to believe I play for the Milwaukee Bucks?" tone. My roommate agreed but there is no way he actually plays for the Bucks, right? Though if he played for the Bucks, it would justify Wiley's plan to enter the beach volleyball tournament since he's a world class athlete. 45 minutes later we agreed it was a joke, but it still seemed off. That's when came up with our working theory that "C. Thomas Howell doesn't understand sarcasm." The movie makes so much more sense once you understand this. Almost every line could be taken as a joke, but we would never know it.

Some people did drugs to turn there brain off, I watched Sideout. I've probably seen this movie 50-60 times. There are NINE montages (one every ten minutes by my count). It also contains one of my all-time favorite scenes when Monroe walks down the street and you can just about watch the director say "Cue the roller skater. Cue the jugglers. Cue the girls in bikini's." It was the moment where I realized I was watching a movie. It was somewhat of a awakening for me and I could appreciate movies beyond how "good or bad" it was. Now I could laugh with AND at movies. This "Bad Movie" technique has a long and illustrious history starting with "Plan 9 from Outer Space", highlighted by the brilliant Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and later perfected by "Batman and Robin." That's another part of this movie's greatness. There is pure transparency and literally no shame. It's not like we don't know what's going on, but at least be slightly discreet. It's like cheating on your wife and telling her "I'm going to work late tonight and have sexual intercourse with my mistress." Here's the movie equivalent...

Top Gun (1986)


Sideout (1990)


I can't recommend this movie enough. If you want to bask into the excellence of the 80's, then do what Monroe Clarke would do. Screw your family over and spend the summer watching Sideout.

STEINGART...

In honor of our search for better comedy, I'll be chronicling the greatest comedian of our time. The man, the myth, the legend...Elliot Steingart. His rise to fame will be legendary and we'll be following his every move here at Jason Jacobs. We'll also closely examine many of his jokes, blog entries, and his stand-up (I'll give you a hint, the reviews will begin with "h" and end with "a"). It was once said that Steingart was given a restraining order to stay at least 50 feet away from any microphone for fear that his jokes were so funny that God would laugh so hard it would collapse space and time. A genius that uses his words like Einstein did math. Rumor had it that Al-Qaeda was working on their own Steingart but even they felt that was "crossing the line." So right about now you might be asking: Who is Elliot Steingart? And what does, as one spectator described "the face that launched a thousand laughing voices" and an esteemed psychologist refered to as "the cure to anhedonia" look like?

picture courtesy of Elliot's My Space.

According to Elliot's youtube profile he is "is one of the most recognizable faces on Youtube. With 1 featured video and 80 more videos and counting, Steingart is one of the most prolific young comedians recording jokes into his digital camera." This would only be more accurate if the word "awesome" was put into capital bold letters then cut and paste an infinite number of times. Even then it would drastically undersell America's most priceless speciman. What do we know about Elliot Steingart? He is a Jewish Comedian that was born in Pittsburgh and moved to San Diego at the age of 17 as shown in this clip...



He spent some time in Canada as told in his authorized My Space account blog entry comically called "Canadian Challenge" (we know there is no such thing as challenges for Elliot, what we call "challenges" are what Elliot calls "jokes". Of course, we're not sure what he calls "jokes" but whatever it is, it would probably go so far over our heads it would be happening below us). Here's Elliot's own words:

"At eighteen, I spent a summer working as a camp counselor in rural Quyon, Quebeche." He went to the now historic Darby's, a local pub in Kitsilano that held comedy Monday nights. He later would say "Yes, I challenged myself to see if I could be funny in a different country. The challenge is one I accepted and perhaps that particular challenge was never fully realized, but because I had taken the important step of moving to Vancouver to develop my comedic voice, to this day I continue to challenge myself each time I walk on stage to perform comedy." Did he succeed? I'll let Elliot answer that question as he turns his keen eye for observation to our moose loving friends in this youtube clip...



Hahahahhhahahhaahhahahaha...Yes, it's "aboot" time somebody shed some light on how to identify those Canadians. I never even NOTICED those funny accents. Thanks, Elliot. After honing his craft and conquering North of the border, Steingart decided he was ready to take his special Jewish brand of humor to the place God chose for his people to live and prosper...Los Angeles. Ever since, he has been rocking one comedy club after the next. I leave you with this gem from his early stand up experiences...



Here's Part 2...



Join us next week as we begin to break down some of Elliot's earlier work and attempt to better get in the mind of this burgeoning titan of comedy...until next time PRROOOOOOO...BOOOOOM!

Viva la revolution...

Can someone explain to me how we changed the basketball pick-up game scoring system from 2's & 3's to 1's & 2's. It doesn't take this kid...



...to tell us this is a mathematically ridiculous system that promotes laziness and bad basketball. Here's the quick breakdown that's doomed to get more confusing before it makes sense: in the NBA if make two three's you get 6 points. It would now take three two pointers to match that. In streetball...if you make two 2's (aka 3's), you get 4 points. It would take FOUR 1 pointers to equal that. Confused, then all you need to know is that a "three" pointer in streetball is worth 17% more. If that still doesn't mean anything to you, then imagine if I said "You never have to pay tip at a restaurant again...EVER." All the sudden meals are a lot cheaper and you might even be tempted to order more. Now I'm going to gently move on before I make an obligatory race joke.

Look, I play basketball to get a good work out, win, and relive a youth that never existed. I can't hate on people standing outside the three point line and just shooting two's because it's mathematically irresponsible not to. Thanks to this, we get people that have no business launching air attacks at the backboard. The NBA had there own version of this when they moved the three point line in and was welcomed with Larry Johnson and Chris Webber starting there early career in masonry. More importantly than all of this, I also think it's just a more socially conscious system to help America improve our math skills. Have you ever been in a room and asked anyone to help you to do anything math related? It's like there is this tacit plea that each person hopes you'll get the answer first so we don't find out they never learned how to add. By the way, if you suggest this "new" scoring system in a pick-up game, you'll get the most confused looks followed by either laughs or silence. Is it that crazy to go by the actual rules? While I'm on this subject, if we have 10 people waiting to play a game, is it REALLY the most fair way to make teams to just put the first 5 that make it together? How does that make any sense? Let's put the guy with a forward hat on the same team as skinny, glasses, meathead that can't move his arms because he just worked out his biceps, and bubbleliscous (aka the guy that won't take his shirt off to go skins). The only people that find that fun are the same ones that pick the 49'ers in Tecmo Super Bowl. I can't do this alone. Give it a shot and spread the word.

This Blog is back...to the future.

After about a year and a half of absence, I finally came up with the ideal title to announce my return. This was also the perfect segue to discuss an issue more important than global warning, more relevant than the economy, and more dire than Swine Flu...bad comedy. I was perfectly content to stay away from the pressure of providing constant ramblings to a crowd of zero, but then I saw something that I felt needed to be addressed. Tyler Perry's "Madea Goes to Jail" made more money in the theaters than all of these movies:

The Big Lebowski, Office Space, Tommy Boy, Army of Darkness, Swingers, Rushmore, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang...COMBINED.

Here's the trailer in case you've already repressed the memory of it's existence.


Tyler Perry is to funny what Hitler was to the Jews. Even more frightening is that "Meet the Browns" is thriving and "House of Payne" is one of the most watched shows on cable. This isn't just against Tyler Perry and his personal challenge to turn the funny bone into another appendix, but something even bigger than Dane Cook's unsubstantiated ego. Now, I hear you in the back of the bus claiming these are all culturally ignorant pleas designed to keep the black man down. I wish I could say this was true, but this just happens to be the lowest common denominator of our generation. We survived a similar outbreak in the late 80's from the one man comedy machine named "Ernest." I'm not going to get into the similarities, but let's just say they both go to jail. Here is the real problem: Hollywood conducts business the same way I eat. They find one thing that works and sticks with it. This of course means that we get loads of crap until the shear thought of it makes us sick. All the while this has happened, we've neglected giving actual funny and talented people money. This creates a Domino Effect or as we like to call it "Frieberg/Selter Syndrome" and we end up with this:



I could go into the exact science of how Tyler Perry will lead to end of life in our solar system, but if you like Tyler Perry, you stopped reading after you realized the rest of the article wouldn't have gems such as in the title. It's time to take our comedy serious. I'm upping the threat level to Terminator. It's not the end of the world yet, but we're close. I've been working on a ratings system that will assist you in your TV/Movie viewing. Until then, for the sake of all human existence, please proceed with caution and good luck...