Friday, December 21, 2007
Validation...
You know how I know I have a girlfriend...because I just watched Enchanted for my second time and finished the night off with Troop Beverly Hills (a movie that should come with a roll of quarters).
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The most impressive things I've ever done....
In my 27 years on this earth, I have had many triumphs and victories. My culminated experiences have led me to create this detailed list of my greatest accomplishments. Here they are:
- Dunked a basketball
- Watched The Thin Red Line (the whole thing!)
- Beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch out
Who knows what's next????????
- Dunked a basketball
- Watched The Thin Red Line (the whole thing!)
- Beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch out
Who knows what's next????????
Monday, December 17, 2007
DOLPHINS WIN!!!!!!!!
Lemon to Caramello never tasted so good. This bad pun was brought to you by the Miami Dolphins first win of the 2007 Season.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Gay Jar
Setting: Burbank, CA
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment
I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:
Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!
We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).
These are the rules:
1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.
These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....
* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment
I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:
Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!
We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).
These are the rules:
1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.
These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....
* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
An observation....
Sometimes I think it's really nice when the person driving the car randomly says "Is your seatbelt on?", but then I realize they've just mentally crashed. It's at these moments when you really evaluate your driver. This really makes me think "Do I really want someone that just referenced Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo driving me in a 2 ton steal object traveling at 65 mph while hundreds of other flying metal carcases are trying to do the same exact thing but faster?" Then I usually get distracted by a giant milkshake that wants me to eat at his restaurant. These are the moments that you can really appreciate being alive in the 21st century.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Arnold Swarchenegger
I'm too tired to post something so instead I thought I would leave you a message from the Governor of California....
Friday, December 7, 2007
The misadventures of Wally LaFuse...
Wally walked to the store. He took some gum to the counter. OH NO! He didn't have any money. What should Wally do? Wally thought to himself "Great, I don't have any money BUT I've got something else..." Then Wally ran out of the store with the gum. "....SPEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!" he thought. He quickly unwrapped the gum, "OH NO! It's raspberry. Nobody but girls like rasberry! I've got to find a girl and FAST!" He saw a girl and offered her the gum. She said "Sir, please place your hands in the air!" "Great, a police woman. Everyone knows they HATE gum." Wally ran away from the woman. She followed but then tripped and died. Wally left and sold the gum to Gloria Estefan. This was a mistake...(to be continued)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
True LA story that I made up...
Want to know what a Hollywood party is like. I have no idea but this is how the one in my dream sounded like (I should warn you it gets a bit strange):
Tom Cruise:(extremely angry) Can somebody please explain to me why are we still here?
Cuba Gooding Jr: Yeah, this scene is dead.
David Spade: This party is more over than Luke Perry's Career.
Luke Perry: Hey!
Cuba Gooding Jr: I have an idea...
Meg Foster: We're not picking up hookers. Plus I don't know what a golden shower is but it sounds expensive.
David Spade: It is if we stay here any longer. Ay caramba, these drinks cost more than Rossie O'Donalds grocery bill.
Luke Perry: I remember on the set on 90210 when Donna almost didn't graduate from high school because she got drunk at prom. It's a funny story because...
Cuba Gooding Jr.: That's the hot blond that slept with everyone? Did you ever hit that?
David Spade: No, that's Tori Spelling who played Donna. She only really slept with David in the "Spring Dance" toward the end of the first season. You're thinking of Kelly Taylor who was played by Jenni Garth.
Everyone disturbingly stares at David Spade.
David Spade: Oh, like you didn't watch the show.
Tom Cruise:(insulted at the very notion) Do I look like I watched 90210?
The group isn't sure if he's being serious or sarcastic.
Tom Cruise: Only losers and dweebs watched that show. I would saw myself in half over a pit of salt filled with leaches if I had anything to do with that disaster.
Luke Perry gives a disappointed sigh.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Oh yeah, I remember Donna. She was a bit of a double bagger. We just called her "old horse face."
Meg Foster: (insulted) That's not nice.
Tom Cruise: Who are you exactly?
Meg Foster: I'm not even sure.
Spade: I just got a text from Fallon. They're heading over to Chatteua Mirmont. I say we blow this place faster than Pamela Anderson finding a bag on coke on Tommy Lee's johnson.
Meg Foster: Did Pamela Anderson even do coke?
Tom Cruise: Hey who am I?
Tom Cruise starts to pours as much alcohol in his mouth as possible. Much of the bar turns their attention to the ravenous Cruise.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Tom I don't think you should....
Tom Cruise signals there is more to come.
Luke Perry: Should we stop him?
Meg Foster: No, when he gets like this you've got to let him just play it out.
Tom Cruise hops up on the bar. Everyone waits in anticipation.
He slaps his hands together and leaps off, doing a somersault in air. He only manages to get half of it complete and he hits the floor with a resounding THUD.
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
He then hops on his feet and starts to make noises like a pig while smelling Luke Perry. Then he stops and...
Tom Cruise: I am the river king!
Cruise runs full speed out of the bar. He then runs full speed down the street and around the corner.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You know what I haven't had in a long time? Coco Pebbles. That was a good cereal.
David Spade: I always liked "Count Chocula."
Luke Perry: Personally, I was more of a "Fruity" type of guy.
David Spade: Too easy.
Cuba Gooding Jr: Hey guys! Leo just bet Clooney that he could stick a spoon on his nose longer than him. Winner gets the lead part in Spielberg's new movie. But first....
"Can't Touch This" comes on as the whole bar goes into joyous synchronized dancing.
Tom Cruise:(extremely angry) Can somebody please explain to me why are we still here?
Cuba Gooding Jr: Yeah, this scene is dead.
David Spade: This party is more over than Luke Perry's Career.
Luke Perry: Hey!
Cuba Gooding Jr: I have an idea...
Meg Foster: We're not picking up hookers. Plus I don't know what a golden shower is but it sounds expensive.
David Spade: It is if we stay here any longer. Ay caramba, these drinks cost more than Rossie O'Donalds grocery bill.
Luke Perry: I remember on the set on 90210 when Donna almost didn't graduate from high school because she got drunk at prom. It's a funny story because...
Cuba Gooding Jr.: That's the hot blond that slept with everyone? Did you ever hit that?
David Spade: No, that's Tori Spelling who played Donna. She only really slept with David in the "Spring Dance" toward the end of the first season. You're thinking of Kelly Taylor who was played by Jenni Garth.
Everyone disturbingly stares at David Spade.
David Spade: Oh, like you didn't watch the show.
Tom Cruise:(insulted at the very notion) Do I look like I watched 90210?
The group isn't sure if he's being serious or sarcastic.
Tom Cruise: Only losers and dweebs watched that show. I would saw myself in half over a pit of salt filled with leaches if I had anything to do with that disaster.
Luke Perry gives a disappointed sigh.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Oh yeah, I remember Donna. She was a bit of a double bagger. We just called her "old horse face."
Meg Foster: (insulted) That's not nice.
Tom Cruise: Who are you exactly?
Meg Foster: I'm not even sure.
Spade: I just got a text from Fallon. They're heading over to Chatteua Mirmont. I say we blow this place faster than Pamela Anderson finding a bag on coke on Tommy Lee's johnson.
Meg Foster: Did Pamela Anderson even do coke?
Tom Cruise: Hey who am I?
Tom Cruise starts to pours as much alcohol in his mouth as possible. Much of the bar turns their attention to the ravenous Cruise.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Tom I don't think you should....
Tom Cruise signals there is more to come.
Luke Perry: Should we stop him?
Meg Foster: No, when he gets like this you've got to let him just play it out.
Tom Cruise hops up on the bar. Everyone waits in anticipation.
He slaps his hands together and leaps off, doing a somersault in air. He only manages to get half of it complete and he hits the floor with a resounding THUD.
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
He then hops on his feet and starts to make noises like a pig while smelling Luke Perry. Then he stops and...
Tom Cruise: I am the river king!
Cruise runs full speed out of the bar. He then runs full speed down the street and around the corner.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You know what I haven't had in a long time? Coco Pebbles. That was a good cereal.
David Spade: I always liked "Count Chocula."
Luke Perry: Personally, I was more of a "Fruity" type of guy.
David Spade: Too easy.
Cuba Gooding Jr: Hey guys! Leo just bet Clooney that he could stick a spoon on his nose longer than him. Winner gets the lead part in Spielberg's new movie. But first....
"Can't Touch This" comes on as the whole bar goes into joyous synchronized dancing.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I need to become more worldly...
These videos are the #1 reason I should expand my horizons. Bollywood rocks!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Explaining football never works...
It is impossible to explain sports (especially football) to someone that doesn't watch them. Usually it ends up being some terrible analogy. For example, my girlfriend was trying to relate to Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown had a season ending injury.
Girlfriend: I'm sorry. Is it that big of a deal? Do you want me to buy you dinner?
Jason: You don't understand.
Girlfriend: I understand, it would be like if Elliot Yamin (American Idol Season 5 singer) hurt his vocal cords.
Jason: (frustrated) Yes, it's just like if Elliot Yamin hurt his vocal cords.
Or here is another exchange when we first started dating...
Girlfriend: Why do you get so sad when they lose?
Jason: Imagine an event you really love.
Girlfriend: I love musicals.
Jason (slight sigh): Okay, now imagine if you looked forward all week to the musical and it was horrible. All the singers underperformed.
Girlfriend: It would be dissapointing but I wouldn't be sad.
Jason: (really frustrated) Fine. Now imagine the musical lost by a field goal because the coach wasted all their timeout in the third quarter even though he knew there was no way we were going to stop them on 3rd and inches.
or you have the old...
Girlfriend: Why do you watch them? Don't they always lose?
Jason: It's not about that. It's more about showing loyalty and not bailing at the first sign of problems. Just because they made some mistakes doesn't mean you leave. You've got to stick by your team.
Girlfriend: Did you sleep with someone?
Jason: You're not even listening to me are you, are you?
Girlfriend: I'm sorry. Is it that big of a deal? Do you want me to buy you dinner?
Jason: You don't understand.
Girlfriend: I understand, it would be like if Elliot Yamin (American Idol Season 5 singer) hurt his vocal cords.
Jason: (frustrated) Yes, it's just like if Elliot Yamin hurt his vocal cords.
Or here is another exchange when we first started dating...
Girlfriend: Why do you get so sad when they lose?
Jason: Imagine an event you really love.
Girlfriend: I love musicals.
Jason (slight sigh): Okay, now imagine if you looked forward all week to the musical and it was horrible. All the singers underperformed.
Girlfriend: It would be dissapointing but I wouldn't be sad.
Jason: (really frustrated) Fine. Now imagine the musical lost by a field goal because the coach wasted all their timeout in the third quarter even though he knew there was no way we were going to stop them on 3rd and inches.
or you have the old...
Girlfriend: Why do you watch them? Don't they always lose?
Jason: It's not about that. It's more about showing loyalty and not bailing at the first sign of problems. Just because they made some mistakes doesn't mean you leave. You've got to stick by your team.
Girlfriend: Did you sleep with someone?
Jason: You're not even listening to me are you, are you?
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