The Gay Jar

Setting: Burbank, CA
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment

I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:

Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!

We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).

These are the rules:

1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.

These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....

* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).