Validation...

You know how I know I have a girlfriend...because I just watched Enchanted for my second time and finished the night off with Troop Beverly Hills (a movie that should come with a roll of quarters).

The most impressive things I've ever done....

In my 27 years on this earth, I have had many triumphs and victories. My culminated experiences have led me to create this detailed list of my greatest accomplishments. Here they are:

- Dunked a basketball
- Watched The Thin Red Line (the whole thing!)
- Beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch out

Who knows what's next????????

DOLPHINS WIN!!!!!!!!

Lemon to Caramello never tasted so good. This bad pun was brought to you by the Miami Dolphins first win of the 2007 Season.

The Gay Jar

Setting: Burbank, CA
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment

I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:

Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!

We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).

These are the rules:

1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.

These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....

* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).

An observation....

Sometimes I think it's really nice when the person driving the car randomly says "Is your seatbelt on?", but then I realize they've just mentally crashed. It's at these moments when you really evaluate your driver. This really makes me think "Do I really want someone that just referenced Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo driving me in a 2 ton steal object traveling at 65 mph while hundreds of other flying metal carcases are trying to do the same exact thing but faster?" Then I usually get distracted by a giant milkshake that wants me to eat at his restaurant. These are the moments that you can really appreciate being alive in the 21st century.

Arnold Swarchenegger

I'm too tired to post something so instead I thought I would leave you a message from the Governor of California....

The misadventures of Wally LaFuse...

Wally walked to the store. He took some gum to the counter. OH NO! He didn't have any money. What should Wally do? Wally thought to himself "Great, I don't have any money BUT I've got something else..." Then Wally ran out of the store with the gum. "....SPEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!" he thought. He quickly unwrapped the gum, "OH NO! It's raspberry. Nobody but girls like rasberry! I've got to find a girl and FAST!" He saw a girl and offered her the gum. She said "Sir, please place your hands in the air!" "Great, a police woman. Everyone knows they HATE gum." Wally ran away from the woman. She followed but then tripped and died. Wally left and sold the gum to Gloria Estefan. This was a mistake...(to be continued)

True LA story that I made up...

Want to know what a Hollywood party is like. I have no idea but this is how the one in my dream sounded like (I should warn you it gets a bit strange):

Tom Cruise:(extremely angry) Can somebody please explain to me why are we still here?
Cuba Gooding Jr: Yeah, this scene is dead.
David Spade: This party is more over than Luke Perry's Career.
Luke Perry: Hey!
Cuba Gooding Jr: I have an idea...
Meg Foster: We're not picking up hookers. Plus I don't know what a golden shower is but it sounds expensive.
David Spade: It is if we stay here any longer. Ay caramba, these drinks cost more than Rossie O'Donalds grocery bill.
Luke Perry: I remember on the set on 90210 when Donna almost didn't graduate from high school because she got drunk at prom. It's a funny story because...
Cuba Gooding Jr.: That's the hot blond that slept with everyone? Did you ever hit that?
David Spade: No, that's Tori Spelling who played Donna. She only really slept with David in the "Spring Dance" toward the end of the first season. You're thinking of Kelly Taylor who was played by Jenni Garth.
Everyone disturbingly stares at David Spade.
David Spade: Oh, like you didn't watch the show.
Tom Cruise:(insulted at the very notion) Do I look like I watched 90210?
The group isn't sure if he's being serious or sarcastic.
Tom Cruise: Only losers and dweebs watched that show. I would saw myself in half over a pit of salt filled with leaches if I had anything to do with that disaster.
Luke Perry gives a disappointed sigh.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Oh yeah, I remember Donna. She was a bit of a double bagger. We just called her "old horse face."
Meg Foster: (insulted) That's not nice.
Tom Cruise: Who are you exactly?
Meg Foster: I'm not even sure.
Spade: I just got a text from Fallon. They're heading over to Chatteua Mirmont. I say we blow this place faster than Pamela Anderson finding a bag on coke on Tommy Lee's johnson.
Meg Foster: Did Pamela Anderson even do coke?
Tom Cruise: Hey who am I?
Tom Cruise starts to pours as much alcohol in his mouth as possible. Much of the bar turns their attention to the ravenous Cruise.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Tom I don't think you should....
Tom Cruise signals there is more to come.
Luke Perry: Should we stop him?
Meg Foster: No, when he gets like this you've got to let him just play it out.
Tom Cruise hops up on the bar. Everyone waits in anticipation.
He slaps his hands together and leaps off, doing a somersault in air. He only manages to get half of it complete and he hits the floor with a resounding THUD.
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
He then hops on his feet and starts to make noises like a pig while smelling Luke Perry. Then he stops and...
Tom Cruise: I am the river king!
Cruise runs full speed out of the bar. He then runs full speed down the street and around the corner.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You know what I haven't had in a long time? Coco Pebbles. That was a good cereal.
David Spade: I always liked "Count Chocula."
Luke Perry: Personally, I was more of a "Fruity" type of guy.
David Spade: Too easy.
Cuba Gooding Jr: Hey guys! Leo just bet Clooney that he could stick a spoon on his nose longer than him. Winner gets the lead part in Spielberg's new movie. But first....
"Can't Touch This" comes on as the whole bar goes into joyous synchronized dancing.

I need to become more worldly...

These videos are the #1 reason I should expand my horizons. Bollywood rocks!

Happy Hanukah!

We get presents for 8 nights! And they call us cheap.

Explaining football never works...

It is impossible to explain sports (especially football) to someone that doesn't watch them. Usually it ends up being some terrible analogy. For example, my girlfriend was trying to relate to Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown had a season ending injury.

Girlfriend: I'm sorry. Is it that big of a deal? Do you want me to buy you dinner?

Jason: You don't understand.

Girlfriend: I understand, it would be like if Elliot Yamin (American Idol Season 5 singer) hurt his vocal cords.

Jason: (frustrated) Yes, it's just like if Elliot Yamin hurt his vocal cords.

Or here is another exchange when we first started dating...

Girlfriend: Why do you get so sad when they lose?

Jason: Imagine an event you really love.

Girlfriend: I love musicals.

Jason (slight sigh): Okay, now imagine if you looked forward all week to the musical and it was horrible. All the singers underperformed.

Girlfriend: It would be dissapointing but I wouldn't be sad.

Jason: (really frustrated) Fine. Now imagine the musical lost by a field goal because the coach wasted all their timeout in the third quarter even though he knew there was no way we were going to stop them on 3rd and inches.

or you have the old...

Girlfriend: Why do you watch them? Don't they always lose?

Jason: It's not about that. It's more about showing loyalty and not bailing at the first sign of problems. Just because they made some mistakes doesn't mean you leave. You've got to stick by your team.

Girlfriend: Did you sleep with someone?

Jason: You're not even listening to me are you, are you?

What has my brother been up to...

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Sean Taylor

RIP 1983-2007

This one hurts. He was one of my favorite University of Miami players. I really don't care if he deserved it, it was an accident, or it was self defense...this is terrible news. True story, my brother met his mom and brothers at the mall (they were wearing Sean Taylor jerseys) and he said he was a fan. She said to come by the house. Later in the week my mom did and she actually followed through. There's that nice story and the fact he was also on his way to becoming one of the greatest safety's of all time. This is the worst death of a person I didn't know personally since Mitch Hedberg. This truly sucks.

Really Bad Pep Talks....

The first guy to say "There's more than one way to skin a cat!" was probably just trying to help. Of course he only managed to scare and quite frankly disturb his friends.

I'm the next Quentin Tarantino (but with better plotlines)

Announcers really need to stop comparing young, collegiate/newly turned pro players to legendary proven all stars. Now I don’t mind you saying a player is in the same mold, but going overboard is just annoying, destroys any credibility you have, and makes me do this face (you can't see it, but you know the face. It's the same face you get when you got Power Rangers the video game for your 16th birthday). Nothing is worse than having a player described as Kevin Garnett but with a better shot. It also lowers the status of great players. Why can’t you compare him to a former collegiate star like Derrick Coleman (even that is probably a little bit much) or a black running quarterback to Steve Young? Notice how nobody gets compared to Jason Kidd (because he is beyond color). Why can't you compare players to David Carr or Bobby Hurley? Just because they were pro bust? I was watching college football and I want you to play a little game. Who am I describing? He has Tom Brady’s looks, Peyton Manning’s arm, and he plays the game like Brett Favre. If you said God on a good day, you would be wrong. No, I would be talking about the man, the myth, the legend....Matt Ryan (read the sentence description again for full effect). This has been going on since I can remember sports. For some reason Grant Hill, Jerry Stackhouse, and Harold Miner aren’t the next Michael Jordan despite how many times I was told they would be. So I put together this little mathematical equation. Anyway, you can just plug in the race and skill set and you too can sound like a moron.

White QB that wins without doing anything spectacular = Congratulations, you have the "calm pocket presense" of Tom Brady. Look how "cool you are" in the huddle.

Black QB = Anyone but Peyton Manning or Tom Brady (probably Michael Vick)

Quick running back that made two people miss on one play = The next Barry Sanders (if you are over 5-10 you are Barry Sanders but stronger)

Black Running Back that makes a second effort = Way to try hard future Hall of Famer Walter Peyton.

Tall Wide Receiver that can jump = You too can quit on a team that isn’t winning just like Randy Moss

Play Mid Linebacker and lead the team in tackles = That's right, because you lead Mid-Tenn State in tackles and are on your way to tackle number 14 for the game... you're Future All NFL team Ray Lewis

White Basketball Player over 6-5 = NBA legend Larry Bird (If you can dunk, you are a more athletic Larry Bird)

Point Guard that takes the ball hard to the hoop but doesn't have a jumper = Yep, you’re Dwayne Wade. You also have his desire, heart, and there is probably "no give up" in you. Prepare to "will" your team to a victory.

White Point Guard = 2 time MVP Steve Nash (if the announcer is 30-40) John Stockton (if the announcer is 40-50) Bob Cousy (if the announcer is 50 and older).

Finger Roll on any play = That out of control finger roll just made you the next Hall of Famer George Gervin.

Any European Player 6-10 and over = A much less soft Dirk Nowinski (for some reason they're never Darko)

Any European Player under 6-10 = Manu Ginobli (occasionally you'll get the old school Detlef Schrempf even though he was more of a shooter. Bonus points for the announcer if they give you a Sarunas Marciulionis)

Black, gets double digit rebounds, and scores more than 7 a game = Ben Wallace with more offense

Black, long, gets a steal and can dribble some = A more developed Scottie Pippen

White Player that gets rebounds = Unfortunately Kirt Rambis isn’t good enough so you’re just feisty.

I could go all day, but you get the point. So please, when the Dolphins get the first pick in the draft don’t tell me how Mcfadden can catch like Marshal Faulk, run like Adrian Peterson, and has Ladanian Tomalson’s nose for the endzone (plus we're taking Dorsey and he's the next Warren Sapp.)

Black Friday

Let me set the scene. Imagine taking five high school kids. Give them a multi-million dollar store and tell them to deal with the biggest shopping day of the year. The result, my Black Friday experience. So I did the whole Black Friday thing. I'm normally not into such things. I get it though. If you like to shop, then it's the Super Bowl of shopping. I prefer to not usual do stuff that requires effort. The only time I've ever woken up and did something like this was to get a Wii. I mostly did that because I didn't want Stupid Mike to have one and not me. A TV is just not worth it (plus I don't have any money) but there was one that was such a good price that I would deal with the financial repercussions later. Also why not? Right? Let me tell you something about the double edged sword that is "Why not?" I woke up at 4:45 am and go to Circuit City. My PRIMARY goal was to get Burger King breakfast (which closes at 10:30 am) I stand in the TV line for 2 hours and 40 minutes (15 minutes of which were in the cold outside). Finally they run out of the TV's. My favorite part is the amazing irony of how they are creating the line WITH THE TV'S. Yeah, they kept the TV's in the boxes and that's how they formed the line. So they sold out. Then the girlfriend and I have to go to the regular line. So we're in line for 40 minutes and have bonded with the people around us. It's kind of like when you are a kid and you basically have to be friends with people who have the letters in close proximity to your last name. Fortunately, they were nothing like stupid Mark Apple. So I decide to see what's going on in the front of the line... and who do I see...the people from the TV line that have been moved over to the regular line. You can either choose to sigh, laugh, or start throwing punches. I would just like to point out that if enough people are given this option eventually someone is going to throw punches. Anyway, I chose to sigh and went back to my place in line. It's been four hours at this point (9:00) and the line was at least another hour and a half. We couldn't leave because the girlfriend needed to get some presents for her parents. Now it was all about Burger King. Fortunately, I talked to the manager and he told me I could buy my stuff in the radio department. He said it like it was obvious. Oh, you mean I don't have to sit in the 2 hour line. Obviously, I'm an idiot. So our group went over there and that whole process took about 10 minutes.

Final Results of "Black Friday":

Woke up: 4:15 am

Got to Circuit City: 5:00 am

Waited in line: 4 hours and 20 minutes

Got: The Office Season 2 $12:99
The Constant Gardener $3.99
Miami Vice $3.99
Good Night, and Good Luck $3.99
A History of Violence $3.99
Dawn of the Dead $3.99
Burger King breakfast $11.02

Was it Worth It: Well, I've already seen The Office and didn't really want any of the movies I bought (I had to re-buy "A History of Violence") and I also only saved about $20 on the movies, BUT I woke up early enough for Burger King Breakfast. So...NO of course it wasn't worth it and this only confirmed everything my step-father always said about me. Then again, I should've known maybe it wasn't the best idea to go out on a day called BLACK FRIDAY. Anyway, there's NO WAY this day could get any worse. Now it's time to sit back and watch "Miami Vice".

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love football and having the day off, but I'll say it "The food is over overrated." Do you disagree? When was the last time you had turkey, mash potatoes, and cranberry sauce? Probably last Thanksgiving. There's a little stuffing with your turkey for you to think about. Go Lions, Cowboys, and Colts! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thinking about 80's tv....

I may be wrong, but was the whole point of Smurfs that Gargomel wanted to eat them? Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't find a rare species of magical blue people and say..."Man, you know what I bet would taste really good..."

I do remember Tricky Smurf. Possibly the greatest fictional character ever. He was the Smurf that would give you a present and it would explode in your face, then he would laugh obnoxiously. Two things a) that's hilarious b) if you get a present from someone named Tricky Smurf AND he's been known to give exploding gifts AND it's not your birthday...then you deserve it.

Great Moments In Jason History....

Setting: Jason's Living Room
Time: Mid-90's
Place: Jason's House (Miami, Fl)

Several of my friends were over and in my room. One of my friends, Ramon, had just broken up with his girlfriend. This was a relationship of about 6 years, so this was kind of a big deal. It was also during the teenage years, which made it seemed twice as long and important. Ramon is a rather private person when it comes to his relationships and really didn't broadcast the break-up. My mom found out and it was only a matter of time (seconds really) before she accosted Ramon. Now, you've got to understand my mom. She takes a straight forward, almost school girl yet journalistic approach to anything that has to do with sex and relationships. If she thinks you're gay, "Are you a top or bottom?" will probably be the next question. The barrage of questions that would inevitably make Ramon feel discomfort and, more importantly, prevented Ramon from playing was coming. My friend and the next few minutes of my entertainment were in trouble. I had to do something, but what? Interrupt the conversation? No, that wouldn't work and would only pull me into the questioning. Tell her that Ramon doesn't feel comfortable talking? That would be like dropping a pint of blood in a pool of sharks. Punch her in the face? That would just be awkward for everyone. No, I needed a tactic much more cunning and strategic, but what? I was too young to know advanced battle tactics. Then I thought "What would the military do?" Yes, then it dawned on me...."shock and awe." I walked into the living room said "Hey Mom!" and I cracked an egg over my head. As the yolk ran down my smiling face, Ramon made his get away. My mom stood in disbelief "Jason, why would you crack an egg on your head?" My happy grin of indifference confused her. Her only response was to tell me to "wash it off before it got on the floor." Success! I saved my friend and was entertained. This has been a constant reference point for my mom and something she brings up at least once a month. Every time I do something stupid my mom will tell me "Jason, it's just like when you cracked an egg on your head!" or "It's just like when you said "Bird on your head (this is another story for another day)" and every time it reminds me of friendship and sacrifice. This was....A GREAT MOMENT IN JASON HISTORY!

Family means everything to me....

I want you to call your Uncle/Aunt or third cousin and tell him/her "I love you! I just wanted you to know that." Why not? Is it too weird OR maybe you just don't love your family. Have you ever thought about that? Hmmmm.....there's some milk with your butter if you know what I mean.

Note to blog friends: I'm going to start ending things with nonsensical sentences that seem to make sense but falter under any logic. This will be our little AIDS without the cocktail ;-)

I was watching Fox...

...and they advertised a "Brand New Episode" of K-Ville. My question is, would anyone really know the difference?

So the bet is on..

So I bet with my friend Stupid Mike Goodman. For the sake of this blog, we'll just call him Stupid Mike. Here's the stipulations: "If the Patriots go undefeated when they play the Dolphins in week 15, I bet the Dolphins would win and he bet on the Patriots." Loser has to grow a mustache for a month. I know what you're thinking. "But Jason, the Dolphins might be 0-15 and the Patriots would be 15-0. Plus the game is being played in Boston." That's all good "logic." but how about these facts: The Dolphins will....and.....God doesn't....plus....Beck will..and....Yep, now don't you feel stupid. Don't worry, you're still not as stupid as Stupid Mike. Anyway, this post is a formal declaration of the bet.

An excerpt from the book I'm writing...

Meet Me On The Other Side of Hope

"It's not that you're "too much for me" as you so aptly like to put it. That's just a euphemism for "obnoxious drunk." No, my problem is the reckless way you flaunt your sexuality and maliciously belittle me in front of my friends. At least my problem puts food on the plate." Sara quickly fired back "Stealing hamburgers isn't a job!" The Hamburglar was stunned. Sarah said what everyone was thinking, but only she had the courage to say it. Even so, she would've given anything to take it back. "I'm going to Larry's." Hamburglar somberly replied as he left through the front door. She reached down to take a bite of her hamburger. It was gone. A bittersweet smile washed across her face.

Chapter 12 "One Last Big Score"

Slogan of the week....

Slogans are very difficult. They have to be consise, memorable, and most of all educational. I did some research and believe to have found the perfect sentiment that sums up rape. In fact, I give permission to the "Sexual Violence Prevention and Education Program" to use this as their slogan. Spread the word because remember:

RAPE IS JUST RUDE!

The other slogans that didn't make the cut (and there reasons):

1) Raping Ain't Just For Black Folk
- This a) insinuated that black people rape. b) was clearly a misguided way to reach the "kids" by using the close proximity of the words "Raping" and "Rapping" c) stereotypes rappers as black and d) promotes rape.

2)If you Rape, You've Gotta' Pay For The Abortion
- This only reaches out to the "date rape" demographic. The knowledge of a condom would lessen the messages impact. It's also too long and we really can't force someone to pay for an abortion. A simple cost/benefit analysis would also really hurt our point.

3 You + Force - "No" = Jail
- The thought was "Math is the universal language", but apparently many people don't like math. Plus this message is just confusing. There is no reference to rape and could mean any number of things. The minus "no" was particularly confusing. Our results showed many were under the impression we meant to take away the thought of "no" (as in "too give up"). One test screener said "I guess I won't be working out again."

4) Don't stick it where you sit it!
- This was meant for rape among the gay community. Originally we had it worded as "Don't wrongly stick it..." but it was too long for a bumper sticker. We clearly missed the mark on this one and seemed to be advocating against homosexuality and any form of sodomy.

5) Rape is a sin.
- This was on was just weak. We're also not even sure if it's technically a sin.

6) Only Bad People Rape
- We really liked this one. It played the "What kind of person do I want to be" card and was straight to the point. Sounds great, but what if you've already raped? Then you're doomed to be a "bad" person for the rest of your life. You probably are but we don't want to put a limit on the individuals ability to change. Yes, we made you feel more guilty but our job is prevention. Plus what about all those cases were it's not really "rape" JK ;-)

7) Don't Buy Into Rape
- If you were offended with the last sentence for number six you'll understand why we passed on this guy. We were attempting to tell people not to rape, but many read it as a proclamation that rape doesn't exist. I was really rooting for this one because we had a running joke that we would sell so many bumper stickers. I guess you had to be there.

8) Rapes of Wrath
- We thought we were really clever coming up with this one. Unfortunately it doesn't make much sense and most people missed the reference anyway.

9) Please don't rape
- Way too nice.

10) Stop! Think! Rape?
- We just seem to have way too many like this one. It's confusing and far too philosophical. One tester emphatically agreed with us and started talking about the United States invading Iraq.

How we choose the one we did:

Rape is just rude!
- First of all, it doesn't make a judgment call on the person and stays with the act. Second, the exclamation mark really drives the point home. Finally, nobody likes to be rude.

This was a fun process and thanks for all of those that participated.

It's 4:30 am..

...and I have a paper due. What am I doing instead you ask?

Please don't ask me how I got to this video. There's a big joke at the end that makes it all worth it, trust me.

Breakfast food...

I say an English muffin is just a sophisticated bagel.

"God's Reasoning" a poem

We exist to die because
Babies constantly cry because
That noise is too high because
The TV isn't hi-fi because
"Check out your shoes Mcfly!" because
His laces might untie because
He's scared girls are nearby because
His throats dry because
It's hot in July because
The sun likes us to fry because
Hippies love to dye because
People enjoy to decry because
Mommy and Daddy have to go bye-bye because
An old enemy has become my new ally because
People love to decry because
We were not meant to comply because
The second born isn't always a retry because
I love sci-fi because
I am a fan of that George Lucas guy because
The end is nigh because
Okinawans invented the sai because
I said so. That's why!

You thought you were going to get another joke or blog about race. Well there is another side to me friends and I think we've learned three things from this poem:
1) I'm incredibly deep
2) I like Star Wars
3) Asians are the reasons why we exist.

MY TOP TEN FAVORITE WHITE PEOPLE!!!!

Oh white people. You've had so much fun rampaging the world with your wacky views. In honor of manifest destiny and all it's trimmings...here are my top 10 favorite white people.

10) Christopher Columbus
First, he rides across the ocean then "discovers" America. Next he accidentally calls the natives "Indians" thinking he landed in India. I think the conversation went like this:
Chris: "So this is India."
Native American: "We don't name our land, but I'm pretty sure it's not India."
Chris: "Yep, this is India and that makes you guys...Indians."
Native America: "What if your wrong? Are you going to call us both Indians?!?"
All the other Native Americans laugh hysterically.
Now he gets an entire chapter in history books and his own holiday. This guy proof that a mistake is only a matter of perspective. For that, he cracks the top 10.
9) Little Kid from Robocop 2
He's just the coolest kid to ever live. EVER! He wears a suit and tie. Plus he curses a lot.
8) Buddy Ryan
The light bulb was invented in 1879. It took another 100 years for something to trump it. Enter the "46" defense. NFL coach and defensive coordinator that was so hardcore, he punched the offensive coordinator for not giving his defense enough time to rest. Games like the "Body Bag" game and the '85 Super Bowl are why he's number 8.
7) Sylvester Stallone
He re-fought and won the Vietnam war in "Rambo 2", defeated communism in "Rocky 4", and killed every human being in "Cobra". None of this could rival the emotional roller coaster he would put us all through in the whirlwind of inspiration and arm wrestling that is "Over the Top". Did you know: Rumor has it that several prominent psychologist of the time organized to boycott the movie because they knew Stallone could do in an hour and a half what they couldn't in several years. Unfortunately when they saw the movie, they forget what their problem was in the first place.
6) Lucas (from "The Wizard")
"I love the power glove, it's so bad." With that line Lucas Barton showed us why he's one of the greatest characters to ever grace the cinema. He's the gold standard of Nintendo players. Lucas shows off his skill to us by beating the first level in Rad Racer. That's not so difficult you say. Well he did it WITH THE POWER GLOVE! Anyone that has ever used the power glove knows this is one of the greatest achievements in human history. Special note: Lucas states to Jenny "If you ever want to get with a real man..." insinuating that he is clearly a man and not a boy allowing the kid from Robocop 2 to mantain his status.
5) Author Brown
Who is Author Brown you ask? Just Click here and wonder why you've gone so long without knowing.
4) Bruce Campbell
Simply know as "The Chin". The greatest actor in movie history constantly shows why he's a force to be reckoned with. If you don't know who Bruce Campbell is then let me help you out. Take 30% awesome, 20% genius, 35% comedy, and 15% perfection and you're still 100% away from being in the same room as Bruce Campbell.
3) Mitch Hedberg/Chris Farley/Phil Hartman
The word "genius" gets thrown around a lot. Here are three times where it's true. Three comic geniuses that were so great, God wanted them all for himself.
2) Jack Bauer
Jack has taught us much in 6 days. 1) He's always right. 2) Torture is always the right answer. 3) Terrorism doesn't pay. 4) A lot can happen in 24 hours. 5) If your daughter's name is Kim, you might want to buy cougar insurance. 6) He should be president of the universe.
1) Dan Marino
Because it's my list.

Seriously, white people rock. You keep the world guessing and for that we are all richer (well at least the white ones). I'm just joshing you guys. Thanks to you, much of the world has become much more connected and that's a great thing. Keep it up and don't go to crazy (I'm looking at you Crusades).

Not that there is anything wrong with that....

I was doing a presentation on "Systematic Desensitization" (a method to alleviate phobias). On the list, there was homophobia. We loosely throw that term around a lot. I don't think I ever really thought about it. It's an IRRATIONAL fear of homosexuals. Two points 1) These individuals LITERALLY fear gay men. The same way someone with arachnophobia fears spiders. The thought of a gay man sends shivers up their spine. That's a tough way to live. Just think about how many men you see in a day. Any of them could be gay. Your best friend, your boss, your Dad....anyone. 2) Nobody gets angry at people for being afraid of spiders. I'm not condoning hatred toward homosexuals, but I am advocating some empathy. These individuals don't need our hate, but our help. So next time you send your venom at a "homophobe", just be glad that's not your lifestyle.

WRITER'S STRIKE!

The writer's are striking. You know what, sometimes I agree with a cause (like this writer's strike thing). They seem to be in the right and as an aspiring screen writer I want to support my future peers. With that said, please don't ask me to honk if I support a cause. Some people were protesting KFC and one of them was walking around in a wounded chicken outfit with a "honk if you don't like animal cruelity." It's stupid, annoying, usually misleading, and probably causes traffic accidents. It's only use is to feed the protester's ego. A side note, that KFC was attached to a Taco Bell and I think it's in poor taste for the protesters not go the extra couple of miles to a KFC only location.

Fun fact: The last two sentences have puns directly related to KFC.

I had my first earthquake...

It's kind of like when I waited for two hours when "Tower of Terror" first opened. Cool but over way too fast. I'm not saying houses should be leveled, lives get ruined, and people die just for a few more seconds of entertainment but i do believe in living up to hype. Damn it, now I'm insulting Ryan Leaf, Transfomers, and lobster. Point is, I don't want people to suffer but I want to have fun and it seems those things always get grouped together. The end.

MY TOP TEN FAVORITE ASIANS!!!!!

For hundreds of years there has been a divide between East and West. Finally, the power of TV allows America to embrace all the splendor of Asian culture. Here's a list of my Top Ten Favorite Asians:

10) The little Asian kid from "The Last Dragon"
This kid had everything I expect in an Asian actor: The ability to inflict harm to others. Plus he didn't even need “The Glow.”
9) Yao Ming
A 7 foot 6 inch Asian. If you do the proper conversion rate of Asian: American height. He's over 14 feet tall over there.
8) Dhaslim
Yes, he's from India BUT I've learned to things since coming to the west coast.
a: It is rude to call Asian people "Orientals"
b: India is part of Asia
I should say that I did "a" only because of "b".
7) Bolo Yeung
You know him as the bad guy from EVERY ASIAN MOVIE. Really, what the hell would they do without this guy? How smart was he to start working out? It's like no one in Asia figured it out. Plus, he was FIFTY when he filmed Bloodsport! Personally I think that's impossible and the Internet is lying to me.
6) Jackie Chan
I know he's rather low on the list. I love Jackie. Every time he punches the wall by accident and shakes his hands in pain it's hilarious, but when you see who's next you'll understand.
5) Guy who can explode his body in "Big Trouble in Little China"
It’s single handedly the most incredible attack in movie history. Best case scenario you ruin the person's clothes. Worst case scenario you ruin the person's clothes. How many times can you GUARANTEE ruining someone's clothes and all you have to do is explode. The cost/benefit is higher than slave labor.
4) Chozen
He's Daniel's rival in Karate Kid 2. Full of pride and loyalty to his Uncle. He'll insult you with great lines such as "Baby play with baby rattle!" then he'll challenge you to fight to the death for disgracing his honor during your girlfriend's o-Bon dance. Chozen also has the distinction of being the only person in HISTORY to stop the Crane Kick. I've watched the DVD hundreds of times to understand his counter technique. Apparently he blocks the leg Daniel has on the floor as opposed to the one that is raised slightly in the air. Genius and that's why he's number 5.
3) Jet Li
The speed. The skill. The athleticism. The amazingly terrible movies with rappers. He only made two, but man they were bad. When he limits the wires and concentrates on fighting he makes some damn good movies. "Kiss of the Dragon" is one of the better R rated action movies since the early 90's and "Fist of Legend" is still one of my favorites of all time.
2) Chow Yun Fat
As my friend Ramon once told me, "He is the only Asian I've seen pull off cool." He brings an amazing sense of regality and presence to the screen while showing just enough internal struggle that allows us to connect. If none of that convinces you why he's great then if he's in the movie there's a good chance a hell of a lot of people will die.
1) Bruce Lee
I know. It’s like putting the Beetles as the greatest group or “The Godfather” as the greatest movie. Sure he only did one movie worth anything. You could even put him on the "All Time Most Overrated List", but he's still amazing. He introduced America (and the world) to the majesty of Asian culture. He invented so many accepted martial arts conventions. For example, the "ripping off the shirt for no reason" which was later evolved and perfected by Jean Claude Van-Damme (the apex of gratuitous male nudity was attained when Van Damme snaps his underwear after hooking up with the blonde from "Bloodsport") Without Bruce Lee I might not of heard from anyone on this list. For that, he’s my favorite Asian of all time.

There are so many others. Some I didn't feel deserved the title of just Asian (like Mr. Miyagi) because he belongs to the world. Others, I just couldn't remember their names. I would like to thank all the Asian mothers for having so many children and I only have one thing to say to you: Keep it up!

Strike a pose!

What is Vogue about? I'm just really curious.

Some people care more than me...

Really, who went to Wikpedia and said "The public must know about enemas!"?

The origin of words...

People in the 50's thought really happy males were more likely to be good dresers, cooks, and singers.

Gene Simmons would agree.

It's amazing we don't bite our tongue more often.

What's the problem with the youth in Asia?

I just think Dr. Kevorkian was lazy and he went with it

Cousin Larry Appleton sucks!

What the hell was Cousin Larry's problem? Why couldn't he just let Balki enjoy life.

Jason

My name is Jason.