Many of you couldn't come, but it was a glorious. To better recreate the day, please watch the clip below and replace the words "Donna Martin" with "Jason Jacobs".
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Random Alliance Needed So our Favorite Odious Movies will be Remembered
One of the great human escapism is the story. It started as carvings on the wall. As we developed language, so to did our stories. Tales were orally passed from generation to generation. Eventually we learned to write and print. Finally, after several millennia of civilization, humans have reached a new zenith by melding both pictures and words to create the movie. So nothing is more entertaining than watching a story teller with 2500 years of evolution make "Batman and Robin." Many will argue that these movies are "utter trash" and "vacant pop culture garbage that requires no thought once so ever" but we disagree...strongly. These movies have spurred on more hours of conversations by forcing individuals to juxtapose reality to these "bad" movies. As "Where Waldo" taught us, nothing is more intellectual engrossing than the discovery of something that doesn't belong. We here at TRANSFORMER's hope to catalogue these puzzles of ineptitude so others may enjoy. The first movie was the summer montage-athon Sideout. I'll be breaking these movies down in the upcoming weeks....
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Put your nose down...
I'll tell you who really is a wet blanket to life's party...Atheist. I know this comes from right field from me. I tend to be liberal on most issues and not particularly religions but, wow, those guys are annoying. They're the ones that whenever religion is brought up they go on a thirty minute diatribe about God knows what. What's their balls? They don't shut up. We get it, there is no God. You went to college. Religion is kind of stupid. Everyone knows that. Why do you feel it's your personal duty to preach the nonsense that is non-religion? They were the kid that was telling everyone there was no Santa Clause. Who cares!?! We're getting presents. You know why Santa Claus exist, because how many fun Hanukkah movies are there? If you want fun, you need a mascot. Whose belief system sole initiative for existence is to tell others their entire belief system is wrong. The big argument is: Religion has killed more people than it has helped. Just look at the Crusades. Wars. 9/11. Let me clear something up. Religion didn't kill anyone, Elitist Douchebags did. This is a far greater concern than any mindset. The belief that you know something other people don't (Elitist) and want everyone to know it (Douchebag). There are very cool people of every religion (including Atheism) that just want to live their lives and then there are Elitist Douchebags that want everyone to lead their lives. I think I understand that last sentence but what I do understand is that if you're an Elitist Douchebag, just shut-up or start a blog. That's what I did.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Jason will teach jokes....party time!
Do you ever go to a party and fear you won't know anyone? Get to know EVERYONE with these eight ice breakers. Each has been approved by me:
1) Joke:
What's up?
Punch Line:
The sky!
Follow up with:
Punch in the balls.
2) Joke:
Look at that S-Car-Go.
Punch Line:
Wait, I think I screwed up the joke.
Followed up with:
Run away screaming "I'm not funny!!!!", then come back and say "Funny looking, that is." Continue until someone laughs.
3) Joke:
I know a knock, knock joke. You start?
Punch Line:
Who's there?
Followed up with:
Hahahaahha...did you know that people that fall for that joke end up dying of Alzheimer's!
4) Joke:
How many Jew's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Punch Line:
One
Follow up with:
I'm sorry, Mr. Goldstein but I was going to make a joke about how you were too cheap to buy a bulb. Lucky for me, I didn't say anything stupid.
5) Joke:
Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?
Punch Line:
Do you want to see some?
Follow up with:
That's a joke from Mr. Baseball staring Tom Sellek. Awesome movie.
6) Joke:
How did the chicken cross the road?
Punchline:
To get to the other side.
Follow up with:
Sorry, I mistook you for someone that didn't have a face that looks like dog and poop.
7) Joke:
Rectum, damn near killed him.
Punchline:
I like Pez.
Follow up with:
Give me some Pez or I'll follow you home and rape your face.
8) Joke:
Have you heard the joke about the party that sucked? Like the one we're in right now!
Punchline:
I literally mean this crap fest!
Follow up with:
I'm not leaving until I get some Pez (For best effect, us the previous joke first).
After this, you will achieve great fame. The party will wither and die without your presence. Congratulations, a winner is you!
1) Joke:
What's up?
Punch Line:
The sky!
Follow up with:
Punch in the balls.
2) Joke:
Look at that S-Car-Go.
Punch Line:
Wait, I think I screwed up the joke.
Followed up with:
Run away screaming "I'm not funny!!!!", then come back and say "Funny looking, that is." Continue until someone laughs.
3) Joke:
I know a knock, knock joke. You start?
Punch Line:
Who's there?
Followed up with:
Hahahaahha...did you know that people that fall for that joke end up dying of Alzheimer's!
4) Joke:
How many Jew's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Punch Line:
One
Follow up with:
I'm sorry, Mr. Goldstein but I was going to make a joke about how you were too cheap to buy a bulb. Lucky for me, I didn't say anything stupid.
5) Joke:
Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?
Punch Line:
Do you want to see some?
Follow up with:
That's a joke from Mr. Baseball staring Tom Sellek. Awesome movie.
6) Joke:
How did the chicken cross the road?
Punchline:
To get to the other side.
Follow up with:
Sorry, I mistook you for someone that didn't have a face that looks like dog and poop.
7) Joke:
Rectum, damn near killed him.
Punchline:
I like Pez.
Follow up with:
Give me some Pez or I'll follow you home and rape your face.
8) Joke:
Have you heard the joke about the party that sucked? Like the one we're in right now!
Punchline:
I literally mean this crap fest!
Follow up with:
I'm not leaving until I get some Pez (For best effect, us the previous joke first).
After this, you will achieve great fame. The party will wither and die without your presence. Congratulations, a winner is you!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Homogeneousity sucks...
I'm wary whenever I'm in a room of 25 or more white people and there isn't a single black person. At the very least, to keep the coolness in check. Black people are America's social police.
Fun Fact: "Classy" is a distant cousin of "Cool."
Fun Fact #2: At least one racist was very confused by this blog.
Fun Fact: "Classy" is a distant cousin of "Cool."
Fun Fact #2: At least one racist was very confused by this blog.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Movie of the week 5/3-5/9
Sideout (1990)
Did you ever watch the homo erotic beach volleyball scene in Topgun and think "I could watch that for an hour and a half, but can we add C. Thomas Howell?" Then you're in the right place. This week we start off with a summer movie. No, not the overblown big budget action spectaculars, but what Summer movies meant before CGI. So put your cancer oil on and let's hit the sun with the accumulation of everything that is 80's...
It's 1990 and you need an everyman lead for your beach vollyball vehicle with the hope of cashing in on half naked people having fun. Unfortunately, John Cusack is too expensive so you naturally get his generic equivalent C. Thomas Howell. He plays Monroe Clark, a law student from Milwaukee that decides to intern at his Uncle's firm (Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's) in sunny California. There is some dispute on this and I'll get to that later. He meets Wiley, some guy that rides around in a hearse and shows tourist places where dead celebrities have died. At least that's the best I can surmise from his nonsensical ramblings. Point is, this is all a cheap plot device to a) introduce Wiley b) show he's the comic relief.
Monroe's first job is to evict individuals that are past due on their rent and eventually he runs across the Zack Barnes, a former King of the Beach that doesn't believe in showers and paying his rent. Wiley takes Monroe to see the ocean for the first time. Upon hearing this news, he gets the only thought that any sane human would have "Hey, we should enter the most competitive Beach Vollyball Tournament on the planet!"
During all of this, Monroe falls for a waitress played by Courney Thorne Smith (you know, the girl from Melrose Place. Remember, she was Billy's roommate and that's 25 cents, isn't it?). Anyway, Beach bum Barnes agrees to teach Monroe and Wiley thereby forming the perfect tri-fecta of idiocy. This is all great until Barnes pulls a no-show and they lose a practice match. Soon after, Monroe must go to court (under his Uncle's practice mind you) to evict Barnes. We think he's going to do the right thing and throw this razor-free zone known as Barnes out on the street. You know, since he hasn't paid his rent in months. This is where the movie takes our expectations and laughs with malicious intent. Monroe announces to the court a loop hole (some nonsense about there only being 28 days in February so he didn't have a full business month from the time he received the notice to pay). Scumbag Monroe puts his Uncle's ENTIRE firm in jeopardy for malpractice for reasons I'm still not sure about. I know we're supposed to think the Uncle is the bad guy because he evicts people and is a lawyer, but is it that wrong to ask people to pay rent. This is the underlying genius of the entire movie. We're pretty sure how we're supposed to feel based on what the movie is telling us, but it just doesn't make sense based on what is ACTUALLY happening. It makes us complicit with the villains using the 80's template of niche romantic comedies. This dichotomy creates a moral dilemma that went over most viewers heads when the movie was first released. Even the name, Sideout: when the team that served the ball makes a mistake, causing the ball to go to the other team. This illustrates Monroe's fall from grace of the working world as he becomes one with the beach. If you don't want to enjoy it for the subtle layers of cinematic gold, then watch it as the cinematic equivalent of white noise meets bubblegum.
The standout performance is C. Thomas Howell. Remember I told you about the dispute at the top. That's because I always thought he played for the Milwaukee Bucks. That's stupid, I know, but at the beginning of the movie Wiley Coyote ask him "What do you do in Milwaukee?". Monroe responds with "I play basketball". Wiley Coyote ask "For the Bucks?" and Monroe responds with "Yeah, for the Bucks." For years, I was confused why a NBA basketball player wanted to work at his Uncle's Law Firm for the summer. Then again it was the Milwaukee Bucks. They are the NBA's version of the Mendoza Line and this was an 80's movie, so I accepted it. Re-watching the movie years later my roommate at the time and I had a long conversation about this. Sure this seems obvious when reading the lines on paper it was a joke, but everything about the delivery said he wasn't joking. Plus who responds with "What do you do?" question with "I play basketball." You also must remember, this is Sideout. Don't take anything at face value and the line is said in a "Is it that impossible to believe I play for the Milwaukee Bucks?" tone. My roommate agreed but there is no way he actually plays for the Bucks, right? Though if he played for the Bucks, it would justify Wiley's plan to enter the beach volleyball tournament since he's a world class athlete. 45 minutes later we agreed it was a joke, but it still seemed off. That's when came up with our working theory that "C. Thomas Howell doesn't understand sarcasm." The movie makes so much more sense once you understand this. Almost every line could be taken as a joke, but we would never know it.
Some people did drugs to turn there brain off, I watched Sideout. I've probably seen this movie 50-60 times. There are NINE montages (one every ten minutes by my count). It also contains one of my all-time favorite scenes when Monroe walks down the street and you can just about watch the director say "Cue the roller skater. Cue the jugglers. Cue the girls in bikini's." It was the moment where I realized I was watching a movie. It was somewhat of a awakening for me and I could appreciate movies beyond how "good or bad" it was. Now I could laugh with AND at movies. This "Bad Movie" technique has a long and illustrious history starting with "Plan 9 from Outer Space", highlighted by the brilliant Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and later perfected by "Batman and Robin." That's another part of this movie's greatness. There is pure transparency and literally no shame. It's not like we don't know what's going on, but at least be slightly discreet. It's like cheating on your wife and telling her "I'm going to work late tonight and have sexual intercourse with my mistress." Here's the movie equivalent...
Top Gun (1986)
Sideout (1990)
I can't recommend this movie enough. If you want to bask into the excellence of the 80's, then do what Monroe Clarke would do. Screw your family over and spend the summer watching Sideout.
Did you ever watch the homo erotic beach volleyball scene in Topgun and think "I could watch that for an hour and a half, but can we add C. Thomas Howell?" Then you're in the right place. This week we start off with a summer movie. No, not the overblown big budget action spectaculars, but what Summer movies meant before CGI. So put your cancer oil on and let's hit the sun with the accumulation of everything that is 80's...
It's 1990 and you need an everyman lead for your beach vollyball vehicle with the hope of cashing in on half naked people having fun. Unfortunately, John Cusack is too expensive so you naturally get his generic equivalent C. Thomas Howell. He plays Monroe Clark, a law student from Milwaukee that decides to intern at his Uncle's firm (Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's) in sunny California. There is some dispute on this and I'll get to that later. He meets Wiley, some guy that rides around in a hearse and shows tourist places where dead celebrities have died. At least that's the best I can surmise from his nonsensical ramblings. Point is, this is all a cheap plot device to a) introduce Wiley b) show he's the comic relief.
Monroe's first job is to evict individuals that are past due on their rent and eventually he runs across the Zack Barnes, a former King of the Beach that doesn't believe in showers and paying his rent. Wiley takes Monroe to see the ocean for the first time. Upon hearing this news, he gets the only thought that any sane human would have "Hey, we should enter the most competitive Beach Vollyball Tournament on the planet!"
During all of this, Monroe falls for a waitress played by Courney Thorne Smith (you know, the girl from Melrose Place. Remember, she was Billy's roommate and that's 25 cents, isn't it?). Anyway, Beach bum Barnes agrees to teach Monroe and Wiley thereby forming the perfect tri-fecta of idiocy. This is all great until Barnes pulls a no-show and they lose a practice match. Soon after, Monroe must go to court (under his Uncle's practice mind you) to evict Barnes. We think he's going to do the right thing and throw this razor-free zone known as Barnes out on the street. You know, since he hasn't paid his rent in months. This is where the movie takes our expectations and laughs with malicious intent. Monroe announces to the court a loop hole (some nonsense about there only being 28 days in February so he didn't have a full business month from the time he received the notice to pay). Scumbag Monroe puts his Uncle's ENTIRE firm in jeopardy for malpractice for reasons I'm still not sure about. I know we're supposed to think the Uncle is the bad guy because he evicts people and is a lawyer, but is it that wrong to ask people to pay rent. This is the underlying genius of the entire movie. We're pretty sure how we're supposed to feel based on what the movie is telling us, but it just doesn't make sense based on what is ACTUALLY happening. It makes us complicit with the villains using the 80's template of niche romantic comedies. This dichotomy creates a moral dilemma that went over most viewers heads when the movie was first released. Even the name, Sideout: when the team that served the ball makes a mistake, causing the ball to go to the other team. This illustrates Monroe's fall from grace of the working world as he becomes one with the beach. If you don't want to enjoy it for the subtle layers of cinematic gold, then watch it as the cinematic equivalent of white noise meets bubblegum.
The standout performance is C. Thomas Howell. Remember I told you about the dispute at the top. That's because I always thought he played for the Milwaukee Bucks. That's stupid, I know, but at the beginning of the movie Wiley Coyote ask him "What do you do in Milwaukee?". Monroe responds with "I play basketball". Wiley Coyote ask "For the Bucks?" and Monroe responds with "Yeah, for the Bucks." For years, I was confused why a NBA basketball player wanted to work at his Uncle's Law Firm for the summer. Then again it was the Milwaukee Bucks. They are the NBA's version of the Mendoza Line and this was an 80's movie, so I accepted it. Re-watching the movie years later my roommate at the time and I had a long conversation about this. Sure this seems obvious when reading the lines on paper it was a joke, but everything about the delivery said he wasn't joking. Plus who responds with "What do you do?" question with "I play basketball." You also must remember, this is Sideout. Don't take anything at face value and the line is said in a "Is it that impossible to believe I play for the Milwaukee Bucks?" tone. My roommate agreed but there is no way he actually plays for the Bucks, right? Though if he played for the Bucks, it would justify Wiley's plan to enter the beach volleyball tournament since he's a world class athlete. 45 minutes later we agreed it was a joke, but it still seemed off. That's when came up with our working theory that "C. Thomas Howell doesn't understand sarcasm." The movie makes so much more sense once you understand this. Almost every line could be taken as a joke, but we would never know it.
Some people did drugs to turn there brain off, I watched Sideout. I've probably seen this movie 50-60 times. There are NINE montages (one every ten minutes by my count). It also contains one of my all-time favorite scenes when Monroe walks down the street and you can just about watch the director say "Cue the roller skater. Cue the jugglers. Cue the girls in bikini's." It was the moment where I realized I was watching a movie. It was somewhat of a awakening for me and I could appreciate movies beyond how "good or bad" it was. Now I could laugh with AND at movies. This "Bad Movie" technique has a long and illustrious history starting with "Plan 9 from Outer Space", highlighted by the brilliant Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and later perfected by "Batman and Robin." That's another part of this movie's greatness. There is pure transparency and literally no shame. It's not like we don't know what's going on, but at least be slightly discreet. It's like cheating on your wife and telling her "I'm going to work late tonight and have sexual intercourse with my mistress." Here's the movie equivalent...
Top Gun (1986)
Sideout (1990)
I can't recommend this movie enough. If you want to bask into the excellence of the 80's, then do what Monroe Clarke would do. Screw your family over and spend the summer watching Sideout.
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