After about a year and a half of absence, I finally came up with the ideal title to announce my return. This was also the perfect segue to discuss an issue more important than global warning, more relevant than the economy, and more dire than Swine Flu...bad comedy. I was perfectly content to stay away from the pressure of providing constant ramblings to a crowd of zero, but then I saw something that I felt needed to be addressed. Tyler Perry's "Madea Goes to Jail" made more money in the theaters than all of these movies:
The Big Lebowski, Office Space, Tommy Boy, Army of Darkness, Swingers, Rushmore, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang...COMBINED.
Here's the trailer in case you've already repressed the memory of it's existence.
Tyler Perry is to funny what Hitler was to the Jews. Even more frightening is that "Meet the Browns" is thriving and "House of Payne" is one of the most watched shows on cable. This isn't just against Tyler Perry and his personal challenge to turn the funny bone into another appendix, but something even bigger than Dane Cook's unsubstantiated ego. Now, I hear you in the back of the bus claiming these are all culturally ignorant pleas designed to keep the black man down. I wish I could say this was true, but this just happens to be the lowest common denominator of our generation. We survived a similar outbreak in the late 80's from the one man comedy machine named "Ernest." I'm not going to get into the similarities, but let's just say they both go to jail. Here is the real problem: Hollywood conducts business the same way I eat. They find one thing that works and sticks with it. This of course means that we get loads of crap until the shear thought of it makes us sick. All the while this has happened, we've neglected giving actual funny and talented people money. This creates a Domino Effect or as we like to call it "Frieberg/Selter Syndrome" and we end up with this:
I could go into the exact science of how Tyler Perry will lead to end of life in our solar system, but if you like Tyler Perry, you stopped reading after you realized the rest of the article wouldn't have gems such as in the title. It's time to take our comedy serious. I'm upping the threat level to Terminator. It's not the end of the world yet, but we're close. I've been working on a ratings system that will assist you in your TV/Movie viewing. Until then, for the sake of all human existence, please proceed with caution and good luck...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, December 21, 2007
Validation...
You know how I know I have a girlfriend...because I just watched Enchanted for my second time and finished the night off with Troop Beverly Hills (a movie that should come with a roll of quarters).
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The most impressive things I've ever done....
In my 27 years on this earth, I have had many triumphs and victories. My culminated experiences have led me to create this detailed list of my greatest accomplishments. Here they are:
- Dunked a basketball
- Watched The Thin Red Line (the whole thing!)
- Beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch out
Who knows what's next????????
- Dunked a basketball
- Watched The Thin Red Line (the whole thing!)
- Beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch out
Who knows what's next????????
Monday, December 17, 2007
DOLPHINS WIN!!!!!!!!
Lemon to Caramello never tasted so good. This bad pun was brought to you by the Miami Dolphins first win of the 2007 Season.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Gay Jar
Setting: Burbank, CA
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment
I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:
Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!
We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).
These are the rules:
1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.
These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....
* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).
Time: 2006
Place: Apartment
I had recently moved in with three other jobless guys, including my manager, into a 2 bedroom LA apartment. It was here that I shared a living room with Craig. This is also where Craig learned to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with his banjo by practicing night after night, but that is another story. So, what happens when you trap four guys in a LA apartment built for two with nothing to do for long periods of time...well homophobia of course. Hence the origin of "The Gay Jar." Now, I understand there may some confusion with the word "gay." There are multiple meanings and I'm using the "Expanded East Coast Man Dictionary" that states:
Gay: noun.
- To be homosexual; one that enjoys the company of men. ex. I'm not saying Craig's gay, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
*adjective
- To do or say things in a posh, flamboyant, effeminate, overly sensitive, soft, weak, complaining, whining, crying, annoying, insincere, overly caring, pathetic, stealing, boring, lying, cop out, sell out or stupid manner. ex. You can't play catch because you don't want to sweat!?! Okay, give me a call when you're not acting so gay.
- To dress dress with far too much fashion sense, change your vernacular, or any other act that is done to fit in. ex. Yes I think you put to much cologne on. Now please put your collar down, it looks really gay.
**verb
- The act of doing something in a way that is in opposition of a 1950's American viewpoint of being a man. Ex. Tonight i am going to gay the hell out of this town; Man, I'm so tired from gaying all day; It would be my honor to gay you this evening; Dude, you gayed all over the kitchen!
We are mostly dealing with the "adjective" version of the word. In fact, this has little to do with the "noun" version. The Gay Jar works in a similar manner to his more popular and far less important cousin, the Swear Jar. You put 25 cents in the jar for every gay act. Simple, well not quite. Most people don't actual realize when they're being gay (hence the reason of it's existence).
These are the rules:
1) One must call the other out.
2) If an individual has been called out, they must put in 25 cents.
3) You only have 5 seconds make this claim (this is usually done in the manner of saying a simple "That's 25 cents")
4) You must pay with your own money (no borrowing money unless it is given to you).
5) You have 30 minutes to pay.
6) In the case the individual cannot pay, then the one that made the claim must give the individual a Mama Slapper.
Note: The Mama Slapper is an open handed slap across an individuals back.
7) A Mama Slapper is clearly a gay act and the individual that gave the Mama Slapper must put in 25 cents.
8) If one wrongly calls out a gay act (one that is deemed not gay), then the individual that called the act must pay 25 cents.
9) Any gay act MUST happen within the confines of the residence.
10) The money must go to something that all the individuals can enjoy.
These rules were worked and re-worked over a one year experience. They are finely tuned and it would take me a team of doctors, scientist and MR. T's original barber months to break each one down. The maximum a gay act can be worth is 25 cents. So going to a party and saying "Oh look, they're giving out goodie bags" would be 25 cents. Equally, sleeping with a man would also only be worth 25 cents. Sometimes the honor system must be used. For example, I asked my roommates to clear out for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend and I. That night ALONE cost me $2.25. Sometimes it is best to put 25 cents in before an act is committed (especially in front of large groups of people). Such as when I was asked by my girlfriend if I thought any of the girls on American Idol were more pretty than her? Just take a quarter out and proclaim "No baby, you are far more pretty than all the girls!" At times, there may be a "miss call" to which the individual can plead their case. This is a case where there legitimate gayness, but the intention was not of gay origin. A great example is after playing basketball I said "Can we take a shower at the same time?" This was in reference to the water losing it's heating, so I would be given a pass. In a situation such as this, rule #8 doesn't apply. Remember actual being a homosexual has little to do with this. Many a time has a gay man walked through those apartment doors (remember we're in LA) and have left none the poorer. So how much money did we accumulate after a year? Well we ended up with $54.25 to which was supposed to go to a Chucky Cheese party, but I got gay and went back to graduate school. This was another GREAT MOMENTS IN JASON HISTORY....
* Edited and was originally labeled "verb".
** Expanded due to "paul" (see comments section).
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
An observation....
Sometimes I think it's really nice when the person driving the car randomly says "Is your seatbelt on?", but then I realize they've just mentally crashed. It's at these moments when you really evaluate your driver. This really makes me think "Do I really want someone that just referenced Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo driving me in a 2 ton steal object traveling at 65 mph while hundreds of other flying metal carcases are trying to do the same exact thing but faster?" Then I usually get distracted by a giant milkshake that wants me to eat at his restaurant. These are the moments that you can really appreciate being alive in the 21st century.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Arnold Swarchenegger
I'm too tired to post something so instead I thought I would leave you a message from the Governor of California....
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