I'm the next Quentin Tarantino (but with better plotlines)

Announcers really need to stop comparing young, collegiate/newly turned pro players to legendary proven all stars. Now I don’t mind you saying a player is in the same mold, but going overboard is just annoying, destroys any credibility you have, and makes me do this face (you can't see it, but you know the face. It's the same face you get when you got Power Rangers the video game for your 16th birthday). Nothing is worse than having a player described as Kevin Garnett but with a better shot. It also lowers the status of great players. Why can’t you compare him to a former collegiate star like Derrick Coleman (even that is probably a little bit much) or a black running quarterback to Steve Young? Notice how nobody gets compared to Jason Kidd (because he is beyond color). Why can't you compare players to David Carr or Bobby Hurley? Just because they were pro bust? I was watching college football and I want you to play a little game. Who am I describing? He has Tom Brady’s looks, Peyton Manning’s arm, and he plays the game like Brett Favre. If you said God on a good day, you would be wrong. No, I would be talking about the man, the myth, the legend....Matt Ryan (read the sentence description again for full effect). This has been going on since I can remember sports. For some reason Grant Hill, Jerry Stackhouse, and Harold Miner aren’t the next Michael Jordan despite how many times I was told they would be. So I put together this little mathematical equation. Anyway, you can just plug in the race and skill set and you too can sound like a moron.

White QB that wins without doing anything spectacular = Congratulations, you have the "calm pocket presense" of Tom Brady. Look how "cool you are" in the huddle.

Black QB = Anyone but Peyton Manning or Tom Brady (probably Michael Vick)

Quick running back that made two people miss on one play = The next Barry Sanders (if you are over 5-10 you are Barry Sanders but stronger)

Black Running Back that makes a second effort = Way to try hard future Hall of Famer Walter Peyton.

Tall Wide Receiver that can jump = You too can quit on a team that isn’t winning just like Randy Moss

Play Mid Linebacker and lead the team in tackles = That's right, because you lead Mid-Tenn State in tackles and are on your way to tackle number 14 for the game... you're Future All NFL team Ray Lewis

White Basketball Player over 6-5 = NBA legend Larry Bird (If you can dunk, you are a more athletic Larry Bird)

Point Guard that takes the ball hard to the hoop but doesn't have a jumper = Yep, you’re Dwayne Wade. You also have his desire, heart, and there is probably "no give up" in you. Prepare to "will" your team to a victory.

White Point Guard = 2 time MVP Steve Nash (if the announcer is 30-40) John Stockton (if the announcer is 40-50) Bob Cousy (if the announcer is 50 and older).

Finger Roll on any play = That out of control finger roll just made you the next Hall of Famer George Gervin.

Any European Player 6-10 and over = A much less soft Dirk Nowinski (for some reason they're never Darko)

Any European Player under 6-10 = Manu Ginobli (occasionally you'll get the old school Detlef Schrempf even though he was more of a shooter. Bonus points for the announcer if they give you a Sarunas Marciulionis)

Black, gets double digit rebounds, and scores more than 7 a game = Ben Wallace with more offense

Black, long, gets a steal and can dribble some = A more developed Scottie Pippen

White Player that gets rebounds = Unfortunately Kirt Rambis isn’t good enough so you’re just feisty.

I could go all day, but you get the point. So please, when the Dolphins get the first pick in the draft don’t tell me how Mcfadden can catch like Marshal Faulk, run like Adrian Peterson, and has Ladanian Tomalson’s nose for the endzone (plus we're taking Dorsey and he's the next Warren Sapp.)