An observation....

Sometimes I think it's really nice when the person driving the car randomly says "Is your seatbelt on?", but then I realize they've just mentally crashed. It's at these moments when you really evaluate your driver. This really makes me think "Do I really want someone that just referenced Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo driving me in a 2 ton steal object traveling at 65 mph while hundreds of other flying metal carcases are trying to do the same exact thing but faster?" Then I usually get distracted by a giant milkshake that wants me to eat at his restaurant. These are the moments that you can really appreciate being alive in the 21st century.

Arnold Swarchenegger

I'm too tired to post something so instead I thought I would leave you a message from the Governor of California....

The misadventures of Wally LaFuse...

Wally walked to the store. He took some gum to the counter. OH NO! He didn't have any money. What should Wally do? Wally thought to himself "Great, I don't have any money BUT I've got something else..." Then Wally ran out of the store with the gum. "....SPEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!" he thought. He quickly unwrapped the gum, "OH NO! It's raspberry. Nobody but girls like rasberry! I've got to find a girl and FAST!" He saw a girl and offered her the gum. She said "Sir, please place your hands in the air!" "Great, a police woman. Everyone knows they HATE gum." Wally ran away from the woman. She followed but then tripped and died. Wally left and sold the gum to Gloria Estefan. This was a mistake...(to be continued)

True LA story that I made up...

Want to know what a Hollywood party is like. I have no idea but this is how the one in my dream sounded like (I should warn you it gets a bit strange):

Tom Cruise:(extremely angry) Can somebody please explain to me why are we still here?
Cuba Gooding Jr: Yeah, this scene is dead.
David Spade: This party is more over than Luke Perry's Career.
Luke Perry: Hey!
Cuba Gooding Jr: I have an idea...
Meg Foster: We're not picking up hookers. Plus I don't know what a golden shower is but it sounds expensive.
David Spade: It is if we stay here any longer. Ay caramba, these drinks cost more than Rossie O'Donalds grocery bill.
Luke Perry: I remember on the set on 90210 when Donna almost didn't graduate from high school because she got drunk at prom. It's a funny story because...
Cuba Gooding Jr.: That's the hot blond that slept with everyone? Did you ever hit that?
David Spade: No, that's Tori Spelling who played Donna. She only really slept with David in the "Spring Dance" toward the end of the first season. You're thinking of Kelly Taylor who was played by Jenni Garth.
Everyone disturbingly stares at David Spade.
David Spade: Oh, like you didn't watch the show.
Tom Cruise:(insulted at the very notion) Do I look like I watched 90210?
The group isn't sure if he's being serious or sarcastic.
Tom Cruise: Only losers and dweebs watched that show. I would saw myself in half over a pit of salt filled with leaches if I had anything to do with that disaster.
Luke Perry gives a disappointed sigh.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Oh yeah, I remember Donna. She was a bit of a double bagger. We just called her "old horse face."
Meg Foster: (insulted) That's not nice.
Tom Cruise: Who are you exactly?
Meg Foster: I'm not even sure.
Spade: I just got a text from Fallon. They're heading over to Chatteua Mirmont. I say we blow this place faster than Pamela Anderson finding a bag on coke on Tommy Lee's johnson.
Meg Foster: Did Pamela Anderson even do coke?
Tom Cruise: Hey who am I?
Tom Cruise starts to pours as much alcohol in his mouth as possible. Much of the bar turns their attention to the ravenous Cruise.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Tom I don't think you should....
Tom Cruise signals there is more to come.
Luke Perry: Should we stop him?
Meg Foster: No, when he gets like this you've got to let him just play it out.
Tom Cruise hops up on the bar. Everyone waits in anticipation.
He slaps his hands together and leaps off, doing a somersault in air. He only manages to get half of it complete and he hits the floor with a resounding THUD.
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
He then hops on his feet and starts to make noises like a pig while smelling Luke Perry. Then he stops and...
Tom Cruise: I am the river king!
Cruise runs full speed out of the bar. He then runs full speed down the street and around the corner.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You know what I haven't had in a long time? Coco Pebbles. That was a good cereal.
David Spade: I always liked "Count Chocula."
Luke Perry: Personally, I was more of a "Fruity" type of guy.
David Spade: Too easy.
Cuba Gooding Jr: Hey guys! Leo just bet Clooney that he could stick a spoon on his nose longer than him. Winner gets the lead part in Spielberg's new movie. But first....
"Can't Touch This" comes on as the whole bar goes into joyous synchronized dancing.

I need to become more worldly...

These videos are the #1 reason I should expand my horizons. Bollywood rocks!

Happy Hanukah!

We get presents for 8 nights! And they call us cheap.

Explaining football never works...

It is impossible to explain sports (especially football) to someone that doesn't watch them. Usually it ends up being some terrible analogy. For example, my girlfriend was trying to relate to Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown had a season ending injury.

Girlfriend: I'm sorry. Is it that big of a deal? Do you want me to buy you dinner?

Jason: You don't understand.

Girlfriend: I understand, it would be like if Elliot Yamin (American Idol Season 5 singer) hurt his vocal cords.

Jason: (frustrated) Yes, it's just like if Elliot Yamin hurt his vocal cords.

Or here is another exchange when we first started dating...

Girlfriend: Why do you get so sad when they lose?

Jason: Imagine an event you really love.

Girlfriend: I love musicals.

Jason (slight sigh): Okay, now imagine if you looked forward all week to the musical and it was horrible. All the singers underperformed.

Girlfriend: It would be dissapointing but I wouldn't be sad.

Jason: (really frustrated) Fine. Now imagine the musical lost by a field goal because the coach wasted all their timeout in the third quarter even though he knew there was no way we were going to stop them on 3rd and inches.

or you have the old...

Girlfriend: Why do you watch them? Don't they always lose?

Jason: It's not about that. It's more about showing loyalty and not bailing at the first sign of problems. Just because they made some mistakes doesn't mean you leave. You've got to stick by your team.

Girlfriend: Did you sleep with someone?

Jason: You're not even listening to me are you, are you?